Kurt Tucholsky: Instructions for a Bad Speaker

Never start at the beginning, but always three miles before the beginning! Something like this: “Ladies and gentlemen! Before I get to the topic of this evening, allow me briefly to…”
Here you already have everything that makes a beautiful beginning: a stiff form of address, the beginning before the beginning, the announcement that and what you intend to speak about; and the little word “briefly.” This way, you instantly win the hearts and ears of your audience.

Because that’s what the listener likes: that he gets your speech dumped on him like a heavy school assignment; that you threaten him with what you are going to say, are saying, and will always say. Always nicely complicated.

Do not speak freely – that gives a restless impression. Ideally you read your speech aloud. That’s safe, reliable, and it delights everyone when the reading speaker looks up suspiciously after every fourth sentence to check whether everyone is still there. If you absolutely refuse to listen to advice and insist on speaking entirely freely… you amateur! You ridiculous Cicero! Take an example from our professional speakers, our Reichstag representatives – have you ever heard them speak freely? They surely write down at home when to shout “Hear, hear!” … yes, if you must speak freely: speak as you write your texts. And I know how you write.

Speak in long, long sentences – the kind where you, who prepares at home, where you have the peace you so desperately need, regardless of your children, know exactly how the sentence will end, the subordinate clauses nicely nested within one another, so that the listener, dreamily shifting about, impatiently in his seat, imagines himself in a lecture where he once loved to doze off, while waiting for the end of such a sentence… well, I’ve just given you an example. That’s how you have to speak.

Always start with the Romans and always give, no matter what you’re talking about, the historical background of the matter. That’s not just German – all bespectacled people do that. I once heard a Chinese student speak at the Sorbonne; he spoke smooth and good French, but to everyone’s amusement he began like this: “Allow me briefly to recount the history of my homeland since the year 2000 before Christ…” He looked quite astonished because people laughed so hard.

You should do it like that, too. You’re absolutely right: otherwise one doesn’t understand it, who can understand it all without the historical background … very true! After all, people didn’t come to your lecture to hear vibrant life, but to hear what they can also look up in books… very true! Always give them history, always give it to them.

Don’t be concerned with whether the waves that radiate from you into the audience come back to you – those are mere trifles. Speak without any regard for effect, for the people, for the air in the room; always speak, my good man. God will reward you for it.

Put everything into subordinate clauses. Never say: “Taxes are too high.” That’s too simple. Say: “I would like to briefly remark, in addition to what I just said, that the taxes are by far…” – that’s how you need to say it.

Take a sip of water in front of the people now and then – people like to see that.

If you make a joke, laugh beforehand so that everyone knows where the punchline is.

A speech, how could it be otherwise, is a monologue. Because only one person is speaking. You don’t need to know, even after 14 years of public speaking, that a speech is not just a monologue, but an orchestral piece: a silent mass is constantly speaking along. And you have to hear that. No, you don’t need to hear that. Just speak, just read, just thunder, just historize.

To what I have just said about the technique of speaking, I would only like to add that lots of statistics immensely add to every speech. That’s incredibly reassuring, and since everyone is capable of effortlessly remembering ten different numbers, it’s great fun.

Announce the end of your speech far in advance, so that the audience doesn’t suffer a stroke out of joy. Paul Lindau once began one of those dreaded wedding toasts like this: “I’m coming to the end.” Announce the end, and then begin your speech again from the beginning and continue for another half an hour. This can be repeated several times.

Not only must you make an outline, you have to also present it to the people – that spices up the speech.

Never speak for less than an hour and a half, otherwise it’s not even worth starting.

When one person speaks, the others have to listen – that‘s your chance! Abuse it!